Finding Myself after Facing Incredible Struggles

I cannot explain to you how hard it is to reclaim your life after everything you’ve planned has fallen apart. The past two and a half years of my life have been a complete unending string of family catastrophes and chaos. In all those struggles I have lost myself and who I am many times. I am such a planner by nature and when things go haywire from every last plan I have; I give up and give in. The past two and half years have held an unplanned pregnancy, shotgun marriage, an unfollowed birth plan, learning to be a mom, marriage struggles, the loss of a niece, and the loss of my dreams. You see I wanted the perfect marriage, perfect birth story, to be the perfect mom, to have both my nieces, and for my dreams to be here with me alive right now. But guess what that isn’t how life works. Life is hard and messy and somehow we have to find a way to hold onto ourselves, our hopes, and our dreams.

 

I have always felt most myself when working out and eating healthy. My fit pregnancy was a failure due to bed rest and preeclampsia. My magical natural birth story was ruined by a 48 hour horrible induction and my dreams of immediately nursing my son never happened. That for me was when I lost myself. When I say lost myself I mean it. I was completely overcome with depression. I hated looking in the mirror. I never had the strength to follow through with any goals. I could barely make myself clean the house. I gave up. I let failure take control of my life. It took me forever to get up out of the hospital bed and walk around or do more than hold David. Once we got home I was able to start nursing with help from a lactation specialist. But I still felt like such a failure for having a natural birth and not being able to nurse him immediately. No one should ever feel like a failure for their birth story but so many of us do. But I have to realize none of those things I could have changed. I did the best I could have.

 

But how do you bounce back from that? How do you come back from feeling like a completely failure and having all those crazy postpartum hormones surging your body and mind. Even when I was able to self-motivate those depression hormones would kick in and I lost it. I was able to find myself again as soon as I was cleared to workout. I showed up every day to my program for the first time since I had become a coach. I was such a bad ass and finished Insanity Max 30 which was to me was one of the hardest workouts ever. I conquered it and claimed my results and felt like myself again. I finally felt strong and in control.

 

That’s when things blew out of control once again. Daniels grandma died and that spiraled into a whole mess of chaos. Between marriage struggles, losing a niece and facing the reality of needing to provide for my family; there was no room for me. I worked every day of the week and had three jobs. I was a stay at home mom in the day and I worked every night and weekend when I had free childcare. There was NO time for being healthy or working out. All I could do was survive. Then true redemption came into play and I can only give God credit for this because God brought back to me not only a husband but someone who was to become a Godly husband and provider. I was able to lessen my work load and start being the mom and woman I was made to be. I started this new amazing workout called Lift 4 that was only 4 days a week. That was something my plate could handle. Between being a mom, a wife, an assistant manager, and everything else all I could do was 4 days a week. I have since crushed this program. I swear to you I was made to lift weights; it literally lights my soul on fire and helps me connect with my inner bad ass.

 

So here we are today, I look back and still feel the undeniable hurt from these past years. But I can also look back and see the healing. I can see the strength that was formed in me. I can see all the hard work I have put into my life. I am here to tell you I am not done with the hard work. Because what I have learned from the past two years is I don’t just want to survive because survival is hard. I want to thrive and to thrive I will have to go through pain and hard work. But guess what I will go through the same pain and same hard work either way. I will just come out on top this time because I will no longer settle for survival. I challenge you today to start healing from whatever has hurt you or held you back. The longer you live depressed or overcome by doubt and fears; the farther you push away who you were designed and created to be. Step forward today out of that big dark hole fighting your way towards your dreams.

My Favorite Tanning Lotions

I have a little obsession with tanning. I still remember the first time I walked into a tanning salon. I signed up for a high dollar membership and bought the full kit. I got an Intensifier, Facial, and Tan Extender. Once I started working at a tanning salon, I finally understood how important lotion was. The lotion decides your tan. The lotion saves your skin from wrinkles and drying out. Yes, the beds play a big factor as well but you’re wasting your money if you aren’t using lotion. So I wanted to share with you my favorite current lotions. You can pick these up at any Palm Beach Tan and some other salons. Do NOT order online; lotions makers do not sell lotions online.

1.       Midnight Black Bronzer: This is an amazing lotion produced just for Palm Beach Tan. It has 65 bronzers which is the most bronzers in a lotion so far. It is filled with amazing skin care and has a cellulite eraser. This lotion is a thicker lotion and requires you to use a little more than normal but the color you get is completely worth it. It is infused with lavender which is where the Midnight names comes from. It smells like heaven.

2.       Miss Designer: This is a classic created by Designer Skin. It has 55 bronzers. It is a silicone base lotion which means a little bit goes a long way. The silicone is also amazing for you skin and holds in the moisture. You skin will not tan if it is dry.

3.       Tekton Optimizer: This is a goodie! It is super affordable but amazing. It is a midrange bronzer so not crazy dark but you will get some good color from it. It is an optimizer because it is loaded with skincare. It is used to lift you out of a tanning plateau or it is perfect for sensitive skin.

4.       DS Double Dip Intensifier: I bought this one because of the smell. It smells so good to me. A double dip is a lotion made for cocktailing. That is when you bed tan and the spray tan right after. It also can be used as an intensifier for the bed and simply a primer for the spray. It doesn’t take much of this lotion. The only bothersome problem is DS makes terrible pump lids; so the lid will pop off randomly. But you can get the lid back on some lotion just comes out in the process.

Let me know if this has helped you or if you have any questions. I would love to know how many of you tan and where you tan!

Xoxo

Deborah

Top 5 Lists You Should be Making

I am a firm believer in list making. I have made lists my whole life. A lot of my pretending as a kid was in the form of making lists for a wagon train or who I would choose to have with me if the world was taken over. I have always functioned best when I have a pen and paper in hand. Lists organize all your thoughts. It is easier to see what is important when it is on a list right in front of you. So I put together a list of my top five lists that you NEED to be doing. 

1.       Monthly Budget: To have financial success you need to budget. I have always know this but until recently I have not found an easy way to do it. Right now I make a monthly budget and it is broken down into each week. I get paid biweekly whereas Daniel gets paid weekly. Not only that but different bills go through at different times. So breaking it down into weeks helps you see what you are really working with. 

2.       Grocery List: Daniel and I are living proof of why this is important. Last time we went to the store without a list we spend almost $200. Lately with a list we have been spending less than $90. Always plan ahead and make a list and plan appropriate foods for your budget. 

3.       Monthly Priority List: Do you ever feel like you are not living according to your priorities? I have been there. At the beginning of each month it is helpful to sit down and think what my priorities are this month. It changes due to the time of year. We all have long term and short term commitments. It also helps you see if you have room to add anything else. Priorities will be things like Family, God, Work, Working out, Clean Eating, and Friends.

4.       Monthly Goals: Every month you need to be sitting down and creating a list of things you want to get done. It makes you feel accomplished to cross stuff off that list. I always like to throw in a couple fun things to do so that you keep life enjoyable. 

5.       Daily Goals: Wake up each morning and make a list. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish that day. Try and mix it between need and wants. Make it to where if you finished everything on that list it would be an amazing day, but keep it realistic time wise.

I hope this helps you work towards living a better life. Let me know what you think.

My Ah-Ha Moment About the Terrible Twos

David is not quite two yet but we are getting close. The terrible twos have already started for us. I was hoping we would not have to experience them. You know maybe just maybe it isn’t a real thing and it is played up by Hollywood. But let me tell you it is very real. I sit watching David throw a temper tantrum or cry for no reason and just wonder why. Like what happened in the past 20 seconds of doing nothing that has flipped a switch. Today while thinking about it God switched a light on and showed me something I have never thought before.

So there is a point in each child’s development when living from purely instincts fades away and they have the ability to think and choose. This I assume is happening around the terrible twos. When they start talking and being independent. We know as a Christian that we are all born with a sin natural but I also know that Satan plays into our sin nature by whispering lies to us constantly to shape how we think. It would be naive to thing that once our children start thinking and choosing for themselves that Satan hasn’t already begun whispering lies to them. With that being said why are we not more focusing on bringing them up in Godly values at the same time.

I mean all of our energy should focus on bringing them towards the Lord. We should be reading them Godly books, watching Godly TV shows, and teaching them Godly principles. I mean it may seem so stupid to start so young but if the enemy is starting early I do not want to get behind. I mean the Bible clearly says train them up in the way they should go so that when they are old they will not depart from that. It is a commandment to raise your child in a Godly manner. I feel that I am failing at that. I feel that nowhere not even in the Christian parenting books am I practically taught how to work that out in a daily basis to a two year old. So I am on a mission to find out how. To find out what my son responds to. If the terrible twos are cause by a mini version of spiritual warfare then I should easily be able to see if whatever I am trying is working.

I have start on a list of ideas that I wanted to share with you. I will expand on them and be writing more blogs with my ideas completely planned out. But for now I would love to know your opinion.

·         Short Memory Verses to start teaching your 2 year old

·         Christian CDs or music to listen to

·         Audio Books or Radio Programs for kids

·         TV Shows that are biblically based or just plain wholesome

·         Fruits of the Spirit

·         Coloring Pictures

Kid Approved Veggie Pizza

If you are anything like me you spend a ton of time figuring out what to cook and if your child will eat it. Now don't get me wrong my kid is by no means a picky eater. We can shovel down rice, blueberries, waffles, sausage, strawberries, bananas, PBJs, and much more. But when it comes down to the food group called vegetables we get a little grossed out. One of the things I have learned from being in the health and fitness industry is that when adults have food aversion to vegetables or fruit the best way to overcome is to push past it and soon your taste buds will adapt. We do this for adults with Shakeology, dicing veggies up super small to where you can hide it, or just eating them even though you want to throw up. Kids on the other hand are not going to willing eat vegetables but to get over their food aversions they need to be eating them in secret. So I make it my goal to sneak veggies in EVERTHING! Here is my latest creation. It was super easy and David ate it without even realizing I snuck in 2 veggies.

I made this super simple. Store bought Pizza Crust, Alfredo Sauce, and Riced Cauliflower.

I added some sautéed Spinach. You can see on the left side I loaded it on because that is my side. On the right is David's and I cut his spinach into tiny pieces and spread it out.

I added Mozzarella cheese. I worked hard to cover the spinach on David's side.

Kid Approved Veggie Pizza

Ingredients:

• Pizza Crust
• Alfredo Sauce
• Riced Cauliflower
• Fresh Spinach
• Mozzarella Cheese
• Cooking Spray

Prep Time: 2 Minutes

Cook Time:17 Minutes

Clean up Time: 5 Minutes

Directions:

1. Heat up your oven according to your pizza crust instructions. Spray your pizza pan and spread out your pizza dough. Cook the pizza dough by itself as instructed.
2. While your pizza dough is cooking pour your riced cauliflower into a pan and sauté it till it starts to brown a little bit. I used about 1/3 of a cup for my pizza. When cauliflower is done pour it out of the pan and set aside. Sauté the Spinach in the pan with a little bit of water until it is cooked down.
3. By now the pizza crust should be done. Spread the Alfredo sauce over the crust. Add the cauliflower on top and then the spinach. I like to grab a towel and put my spinach in it first and squeeze out the water. Add your cheese on top and work to cover up the vegetables on your kids side.
4. Finish baking according to pizza dough instructions.

Enjoy! I hope you and your kiddos love this recipe. This is one step closer to having a kid who loves eating healthy. 

My Life is FAR from Where I Expected it to Be

I did not title this lightly. It couldn’t be more true, but I am sure we all feel this way at some point. I do not know about you but there are times when I find it hard to find the purpose of it all. Or some days I struggle to find the good or progress. I always felt when I came of age and became an adult good things would just flow towards me. I mentally wanted to put in the work to earn them but I assumed they would just be sent to me. By good things I mean money, nice car, the perfect RICH man, an amazing house, and so on. My life could not be more far from that.

Let me start by saying I am truly blessed to be living the life that I am living. I deserve none of it. But on my selfish days, I end up thinking how did I end up here. It makes me laugh at times when I see where I am in life and where I thought I would be. Like you can’t make this stuff up! God seriously has a sense of humor when planning our lives. I am twenty-two a wife to an amazing husband and mother to the biggest blessing my life has ever seen. I know you may be thinking that is rude to say and my husband should be the biggest blessing but I would never be with my husband without my son. In fact, I was planning on breaking up with my husband before we found out about our sweet baby David. I knew I could have a good life with Daniel and I could see the visions God had for us but I had no belief in the healing and growth it would take to get there. You see I at my sinful core and Daniel’s sinful core we have things that clash with each other. We have been through it all you name it. God brought us together through a baby and we chose to commit forever. I got married at 8 months pregnant. That I assure you was not the “dream” plan. But I am starting to realize it was the divine plan.

I am the assistant manager at a Palm Beach Tan. I clean beds, manage people, clean floors, and sell for a living. To me though it has become more than that. I help people feel beautiful, I help people have good skin, and I can help change the mood of someone’s day. Every job we have is an act of service or it should be. We still live with my parents and we are coming upon 2 years of marriage. We are looking for a house and trying to get one but each time we get closer job, credit, or timing problems arise. I sense God still isn’t done working on us at this stage of life. I swore up and down I would NEVER be a working mom. I was raised by a stay at home mom who homeschooled us and invested her life into raising us. I never wanted to be a mom working out of the house but here I am.

At times I can feel so lost and so hopeless looking at where my life is. I wonder how I got here and what the purpose of all this is. You see in a world of self-image and vanity I can’t show you my life and not feel the judgement and disapproval. But my life is real and it is exactly where God has planted us. I often wonder will I ever get the things I feel God has promised me. I think and think on it. Today I realized yes I will, but first I need to take the action steps God has shown me are a part of my calling. I always want to start these action steps once I arrive. When we get our own house then I will build up a community of friends because let’s be honest who wants to visit Deborah at her parents’ house. Or when we are financially free and I can stay at home I will grow a business. But why should God keep his end of the deal if I am not following the callings he has given me. I do NOT know how they will help me arrive or what the point of it is. I wonder why do them if they are just wasting precious time. But today I realized I have calling and if I don’t step into that I am not truly living.

I encourage you; if you have a calling and or callings on your life you need to act on them. I am not just talking about calls to ministry or calls to start a business. Sometimes it is just little things. God has promised me many things but he has also called me to many things. I want to tell them to you not to brag or boast but to help keep myself accountable. God has called me this shy girl to create a community of people to do life with. God has called me to do this “fitness/health thing” I don’t always know what it should look like but every time I stop sharing my fitness journey I feel a piece of me is missing. God has called me to blog; I don’t know yet what he wants me to blog about but here I am trying it out. God has called me to one day homeschool my kids. God has given me the vision and reassurance that one day my love story with Daniel will come full circle and the things we have broken will be redeemed.  God has also called both Daniel and I to live on land one day and as impossible as that sounds right now with only $30 in the bank account I firmly believe it will. I cannot see the things God sees but I trust him to keep me safe and prepare the way for us. So this is for all of you who feel like you are far from your callings and dreams. Don’t sit back and wait stand up and take action towards your future. Trust God and do your part blindly.

February a Month of Love

February is supposed to be the month of love. This year I am going to try and embrace the spirit of love. I am sure you can agree that love can heal any situation. A whole month focused on spreading love and feeling love will do a world of good for all of us. It may seem silly but I am a planner and I like to have a game plan at everything I try to accomplish. So I have thought of a few ways to embrace to spirit of love this month. 

• Throw a Valentines Day Party: I am throwing a valentines day party for my mommy friends and their kids. We will have crafts, cookies, mimosas, and trade Valentines. It will be a great day of sharing in love. 
• Valentines Day Date Night: Daniel and I are planning to go see My Forever Girl in theaters. I feel this movie will be the perfect escape for Daniel and I. I have been working so hard lately I never have time to just enjoy myself. 
• David and I are sending out cards he has colored on to some of our favorite people. 
• I will be making Valentines day snack and sharing them with you.
• We will also be listening to classic love songs and watching any Valentines day movies or TV shows we can find.

My goal as a mom and wife is to celebrate life to the fullest. I will be sharing all of this and more on my Instagram stories and posts. I will be doing blog posts about the big stuff as well but if you want to see every moment, be sure to follow me on Instagram. My username is fit_chick_missdeborah 

Happy February!